Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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