Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
