I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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