Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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