I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This house was built for laser tag.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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