How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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