You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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