Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
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