I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just had sex on a roof
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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