Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
