i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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