Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
