I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
