every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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