When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
