i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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