I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
