So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I could make wine with my vomit
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
