If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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