she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
