we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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