I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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