I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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