then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
