WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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