yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
