I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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