trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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