All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
