Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
