I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
