Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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