My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
