so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
