Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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