I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
