Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
