tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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