it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
