Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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