Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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