I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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