hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
