How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
