plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
