I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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