i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
