we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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