It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
