I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
